What kind of heart doesn't look back?

"Pain is temporary"....do you believe that? 

Wait, actually sit down and give yourself a second on that one. Is it temporary?

Not even two days ago, I would have told you something along the lines of:

"No, its not. Pain is a constant, and any one who disagrees is just faking it."

In fact, to a certain someone--I believe those were my exact words. [Hideous of me to say, I know]

And as soon as they left my mouth, I wanted to push rewind. 

Did those words just actually come out?

Wait, do I actually believe that?

Since when am I little miss 'I give up'??? 

That wasn't me.

That was a weak attempt at playing defensive in a hurt moment. 

But here is the motive of as to why I had said that-- In moments of pain or difficulty, we don't want to believe in the good. 

We don't want someone at our side saying they think things might turn around.

You don't know that, and for sure we don't need more let down in that moment.

In moments of pain, the hardest thing to do is climb out of the hole you personally dug yourself, and accept that it might not all be bad. 

So to keep in fight with you, I said it.

"Pain isn't temporary, and anyone who believes it is, is faking happiness to cover up."

I shut the door. 

I took a breath, and said that was that. 

I was done.

And as life would have it, I just couldn't stay inside.

So I went and walked the entire city of Rexburg.

Every step, I found myself getting angrier and angrier.

And then, shout out to Nielsens Frozen Yogurt (and a friend who taught me how to be), I broke down. 

I felt so stupid as I sat there by myself in a 4 person booth, crying.

Pathetic.

You want to know why? 

Because I did nothing wrong. 

I bent over backwards for you.

I trusted you.

I did things that I knew you loved, even if I hated it.

I gave you the best I had to offer, my heart.

And you want to know what you did? You played.

Naturally, as part of the break up process, everyone gave me the following excuses: 

"Maybe he just liked the attention."

"He's confused."

"He realized you deserved better."

"He doesn't know what he had, and he is missing out."

"He's the bad guy everyone warned you about" <--This one is actually funny. Cause you were. You were the opposite of everything I have ever had. You were my risk, and you just became my biggest mistake. 

No guys, this one doesn't get an excuse! He ran out of excuses. This one straight up was on him being ignorant, and inconsiderate. Selfish. Immature.

I can finally say that. Because finally I can say that I'm over it.

I don't care if I am hurting you. I don't care because you didn't care. I don't care how terrible or how liberating this could make you feel. It could go either way. 

I just don't care.

You don't care.

I'm angry.

I am irritated.

And I'm done.

You're the one who is sick, the one who should be suffering.

You're the one who did wrong here. And I am tired of belittling myself, and my self-esteem for someone that simply just never cared. 

And then proceeded to take the coward way out of things. 

Like you said, "Just let go."

Thats not necessarily the answer I found to pain being temporary.

But it's the best you could give me. 

Yes, I changed my mind.

Pain is temporary. 

I found the real me, and got on track with her and remembered what it is that I had forgotten while dating you. 

I got so caught up in you, and pleasing/helping you that in the end, I ended up losing myself.

So when I say my pain came from lack of people in my life, or the lack of somewhere to turn to and cry.... 

I guess I really meant, I lost myself. You weren't the one thing keeping me together here in Rexburg,

I mean I guess you were...cause in reality... I didn't know who I was. And turns out I had in turn given myself to you.

So that one is on you. 

Carry that in your heart. 

And you want to know the best part? I don't have to forgive you, because I know I will never get the  apology I deserve, for the hell you put me through. 

And that's that. Pain is short, quick and over in seconds. 

Just like your story in my life.

I'm putting the pen down.

Closing the book that abruptly ended, and I know has many lost or empty pages.

But none the less, it's closed.

Time to start a new one. 

And this time, I swear it will be real. 

Yours truly, 

Annalee