Confession of a big, black hole.

Lately, I have felt nothing but a huge black hole in the middle of my life.

Things fall in, and other things crawl out. 

Its not just an ordinary hole.

I have no control of this hole, and I also can't get rid of it.

I don't feel comfortable here.

I don't feel happy.

Most days, I let my insecurities drive the emotion wagon.

I walk around torn apart with an empty smile dragged across my face.

I sit in places I don't belong, and talk to people I can't stand. 

It's days (more like) weeks, like these where I wish I could just go and visit my grandma. And just give her a big hug. 

I could go for endless card games while she sits there and listens to me rant about the hell I've been going through.

I could use a day with her giving the best advice that she would always give.

I feel like with her, these days wouldn't seem so hard.

Insecurities wouldn't be so prominent in my head.

Home would be more spread out and more than one place. 

Peace, and calmness would be more familiar in my eyes. 

Life had so much potential to be way different. Yet here we are. 

Emptiness, loneliness. A longing for anywhere but here right now. 

I wish I didn't care.

I wish I hadn't put my heart in as much.

I wish I let things slide off easier.

I wish I were stronger. 

Oh gall, this post even makes me sick to my stomach. So much "I wish it were different." Who am I turning into? I used to be so different. I cared less about others, I focused on myself and my goals. I found positivity in everything. Yet here I am! I can't find a dang good thing about today, or yesterday...or this week. Happiness is becoming a distant feeling. Negativity has crept in, and made its stance. 

They keep telling me that this is all temporary. That it'll happen eventually.
So I guess with what little left of hope that I have left, I'll hope they're right.

Pray for me. 

Yours truly,

Annalee