Here is what has been on my mind lately:
Why don't we, as people, say what is on our minds? We always hold back, probably in fear that we will 'hurt someones feelings' or 'offend someone'. So why do we do it? Especially when it comes to fixing relationships/friendships. Even for me, a communications major, I struggle with finding the words to say, when I need to say what is on my mind. Just right now, I am finding it difficult to say this. We have this idea in our heads that it matters what people think of us, and that their approval is necessary. Well, guess what? It's not. People are going to judge you regardless. Speak your mind? They'll judge what you spoke. Stay silent? They'll disapprove of your silence. Sounds like we are in a rut, but we might as well take that and run with it. I say....we speak our peace. So why can't I take my own advice and apply it in life? I usually have no issue with giving myself advice and going through with it. I actually would pride myself in my ability to do that. But stuck inside me is this inadequate fear that these certain thoughts aren't going to do justice to the situation.
It's just that time in life again where I am learning where I stand in some peoples lives. Learning the truth to it all, which sometimes require action and words together. Not necessarily easy things to say, do or follow through with. These are the moments I usually tend to get weak with. But not this time around because there is a difference in situation. In past, after a time like this, I usually have been left to pick up the shattered pieces by myself. This time I have these things called best friends. Two of them in specific, that I depend on, and trust. They have reminded me that being strong is the only way to get through this. That even though the events that are happening suck, I have family and a life. I am working towards something; a mission. In 3 weeks, I will be done with Rexburg for 2 years. That used to be a really hard thought for me to cope with. I have began a great life here. It has filled me with joy, tears, struggle, triumph... I've been through it all here. Grown up a lot. But now, after all of this. I can happily say that I am excited for whats in store for my next stages of life. Sure, maybe I will be back in Rexburg after the mission. But it will be another stage because these people I've come to know, this place that has gained room in my heart will have completely changed.
Yes, I could fight what is happening to me right now. I could fight and say everything you WANT to hear. But that would be lying, to you and to me. Lying is weak. I could bow down to your every word, change the Annie that is sitting in front of you to be the Annie you want to see. But I'm not willing to compromise myself. I don't disrespect myself enough like that to change. I would rather be alone with dignity, than in a friendship that requires me to sacrifice my self-respect. Here is how I think of it. I have been doing this whole 'life' thing for 20 years now. I've made my fair share of mistakes, trusted the wrong people, got to eager for the future, I've done it all. But not once did I let someone take over my pen and write my story. So why would I give it up now? My pen is in God's hand, and it will remain there. I think we just wrote you out of my story. You played your part, did your job and taught me something (hopefully...) but your part has ended now.
All our lives we are told we need to choose. I mean we aren't really told we need to, it just kind of happens. We've made decisions since the beginning of time. Some ended up great for us, some...eh, not so great. They never told us just how much it would cost to choose in life. They never told us that even though you can move on from certain things/people, it will in turn cost you your heart. The decision has to be worth more than becoming nothing at all. What I am getting at here is that friendships are a constant choice. Do we keep them around, do we trust them, do we move on...etc. It's not the fear of moving on that scares me, its the fear of never going back.
Before, I was standing on a line between giving up and seeing how much more I could take of you. What you did hurt, those actions can never be taken back. The silence you've given won't ever be filled with words. You did what you did, you chose that path. And I think I'm coming to grips with it. Because I realize that if you wanted to be here, you would, and you would've done anything and sacrificed more to be here. In order for me to get to the other side, I'm going to have to get hurt, let go of things I loved, face those demons one day at a time. But eventually I will get there. My happiness doesn't depend on you, or even the next person... it depends on me and my abilities to say whats on my mind. It depends on my abilities to feel again and trust again. Happiness is a choice. Something I've been taught for quite a while now.
Here is to another stage in life. Nothing like a nice reality check to start it off.
So yes, those are all true. I had worries last year that I can't even recall. That is how unimportant they are. And here is hoping this is one of them that I forget. I can hope to forget all the pain felt from this friendship. I hope to forget all the laughter and the good times it brought so that when I look back, I don't start to miss a thing. All I want to remember, is that it happened, its over and I that I will be just fine.
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