Two Posts in one day.
You lucky reader you.
Although that just means I have a lot emotion, a lot of pondering.... and yes. This is seriously hurting my brain!!
Let me just begin by saying this has been a hard couple of weeks. A lot of everything going on in my life right now. Being up here in Rexburg has been amazing. I've been going to school here, and am getting further and further into my program. I am finding out the cool places to live, and most importantly...meeting the most amazing people. I've come to know these people real well. Well enough, that we might just start to call them friends. Kidding, I'd definitely call them that. These people are wonderful.
So all of this is going on, and boom. I am to serve a mission. People keep asking me why I am going, what made me decide. And while there are some small answers that I give... I can honestly say I have no idea. No part of me wants to leave Rexburg. I don't want to leave my friends. I don't know how to say goodbye like this. Saying goodbye with everything so unknown. How will my friendships remain? Am I really just supposed to drop this life I've created here and leave? I only have 2 weeks left here and have no idea how to even start saying my goodbyes. So ya, I'm wiggin out here.
Add this nonsensical freak out to a list of fighting with close friends, figuring out my schooling, packing my stuff up, moving back home....the list goes on and on. I need a break just typing it all out.
Lets start over.
-Excuse the above freak out.-
Today was amazing. Being talked to about the missionary work our world will be doing and the work that is happening right now does nothing but get me excited to go serve a mission. I can't believe I have this wonderful opportunity in my hands right now. Yes it is such a sudden leave. And yes, that is probably what is scaring me most. I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going. I just started my paper process.
And now I only have two weeks to say an ineadequate goodbye to a life that will be missed. <-- What an understatement.
This place is making it so hard to say goodbye. I've never belonged to a place that meant so much to me. I have never met people that have given me so much. And I have to somehow figure a way to say goodbye to each and every one of them? It stresses me out just thinking about it.
Now back to adding in all that crappy crap that has been going on lately here. I thought maybe it would make leaving easier. I thought maybe if we just left everything unresolved that saying goodbye would be an easier ending for us. But then as I begin to think thats how things are going to happen, my mind wanders. I start reminiscing of all the good times that have happened between us. I start thinking about the laughs, the talks, the advice, the petty little arguments. {{Remember how we can't seem to agree upon any type of music? Which is weird, cause I'm usually so open to music. Remember how we can laugh and laugh and laugh at the dumb things people do/say. And remember how we could talk just about anything and be completely honest and comfortable?}} I get sick to my stomach because I'm in shock that I would even consider leaving things like that. And with a constant pull of remembering everything that has recently happend...I soon become at a loss of words. What do I do? Which way should I lean?
Tonight I was reminded that it's alright to fight. Fighting means you care. Tonight I learned that over thinking this is what is ruining it. I have 2 weeks and I need to make it count. Yes, I'm still unsure as to what will happen when I come back. Yes I'm still hurt from the past. But I am trying. I know the regrets I will have if I give up now. I know that moving on without a real goodbye would be the hardest thing I ever do. And I know that giving up in general, is just not something I would consider. And you need to know that.
Friendships mean the world to me. I honestly believe I can do anything when I have the comfort of my best friends around me. This life would be so hard if we had to do it completely alone. I am so grateful that I have met you. I am so grateful for the advice you've given me. The advice that will last me decades to come. The advice I will pass on down to my children and be able to share the stories of how it helped me. I may not know everything still, but I'm learning and you are helping me. I want to be able to return to this same friendship of constant support. I want people to know who helped me become the girl that is standing in front of them.
So earlier, when we met, and this whole thing started...I didn't realize what was about to happen in my life. This friendship quickly became one for the books (or for the blog!). You quickly became someone I entrusted with my secrets, my fears, my excitments...my everythings! I don't think its quite possible to meet someone like you. You are yourself, and no one will ever be able duplicate that in my mind. You do your own thing, and don't fall in with the crowd {{Even though I wish you would music wise sometimes ;)}} You've given me all the help I've ever wanted.
I honestly believe I'm blessed with the best here. And thats why these next 2 weeks will be the hardest weeks of my life. Goodbyes aren't my thing. So maybe a 'see ya later' will suffice.
And I'm sorry this is so poorly written. My emotions are high, my brain is scattered...but it needed to be said. And now it is. Lets just hope you understand the mess of it all.
And now I only have two weeks to say an ineadequate goodbye to a life that will be missed. <-- What an understatement.
This place is making it so hard to say goodbye. I've never belonged to a place that meant so much to me. I have never met people that have given me so much. And I have to somehow figure a way to say goodbye to each and every one of them? It stresses me out just thinking about it.
Now back to adding in all that crappy crap that has been going on lately here. I thought maybe it would make leaving easier. I thought maybe if we just left everything unresolved that saying goodbye would be an easier ending for us. But then as I begin to think thats how things are going to happen, my mind wanders. I start reminiscing of all the good times that have happened between us. I start thinking about the laughs, the talks, the advice, the petty little arguments. {{Remember how we can't seem to agree upon any type of music? Which is weird, cause I'm usually so open to music. Remember how we can laugh and laugh and laugh at the dumb things people do/say. And remember how we could talk just about anything and be completely honest and comfortable?}} I get sick to my stomach because I'm in shock that I would even consider leaving things like that. And with a constant pull of remembering everything that has recently happend...I soon become at a loss of words. What do I do? Which way should I lean?
Tonight I was reminded that it's alright to fight. Fighting means you care. Tonight I learned that over thinking this is what is ruining it. I have 2 weeks and I need to make it count. Yes, I'm still unsure as to what will happen when I come back. Yes I'm still hurt from the past. But I am trying. I know the regrets I will have if I give up now. I know that moving on without a real goodbye would be the hardest thing I ever do. And I know that giving up in general, is just not something I would consider. And you need to know that.
Friendships mean the world to me. I honestly believe I can do anything when I have the comfort of my best friends around me. This life would be so hard if we had to do it completely alone. I am so grateful that I have met you. I am so grateful for the advice you've given me. The advice that will last me decades to come. The advice I will pass on down to my children and be able to share the stories of how it helped me. I may not know everything still, but I'm learning and you are helping me. I want to be able to return to this same friendship of constant support. I want people to know who helped me become the girl that is standing in front of them.
So earlier, when we met, and this whole thing started...I didn't realize what was about to happen in my life. This friendship quickly became one for the books (or for the blog!). You quickly became someone I entrusted with my secrets, my fears, my excitments...my everythings! I don't think its quite possible to meet someone like you. You are yourself, and no one will ever be able duplicate that in my mind. You do your own thing, and don't fall in with the crowd {{Even though I wish you would music wise sometimes ;)}} You've given me all the help I've ever wanted.
I honestly believe I'm blessed with the best here. And thats why these next 2 weeks will be the hardest weeks of my life. Goodbyes aren't my thing. So maybe a 'see ya later' will suffice.
And I'm sorry this is so poorly written. My emotions are high, my brain is scattered...but it needed to be said. And now it is. Lets just hope you understand the mess of it all.
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