A "you and i" conversation

We all have pasts that create us into someone. We all have moments that are chalked full of mistakes, or friendships we can label a regret. We have moments that we boast in, with friendships that are the forever kind. We let go of things all to easy, and eventually come to wonder why we did that. We can go on in life and everything will be fine, no complaints. But a part of our heart will be missing. 

Yes, everything in my life is fine. I am having the time of my life here. But tonight I woke up at 2:30 out of the worst dream. It wasn't a dream...it was a walk down memory lane while I was sleeping. I'm not going to lie, pain and heartache awoke with me. The sudden need to see him entered my brain, and wouldn't leave, along with tears of past regrets. I don't know, it catches me at time. After we said goodbye, and had settled our past together, I told myself I wouldn't forget the encircling hugs that he always gave. And tonight was a night where I just needed one. I remember listening to you sing and the excitement you got over new songs. I would've given anything to hear you sing a certain song. 

I am just starting to open up and let myself really truly, remember my past. I left Colorado, and told myself I would never look back. Nothing against the state, but rather I was blocking out memories, friendships, heartaches, drama. I convinced myself that I needed a new start, and I was right. I did. But I convinced myself so well, and shut out my past so well, that I really didn't ever look back, and I began to believe that I never did have a past life.  I'm beginning to long for certain moments in my life that I didn't appreciate well enough in Highschool. The sucky part? It's that I can't do anything about it. I can sit here and reminisce. I have to remember that I chose to end certain aspects of my life, and that there isn't anything to do about it, except focus on the fun I had. 

I wasn't trying to ramble. I really just needed to vent that...tonight I seriously could have gone for a you and I kind of conversation. One that would seem silly to others, but left me with a happy satisfaction. Tonight would've been nice to hear your comforting words, or your weird jokes that I never understand. I just needed a 'you' kind of pick me up. But instead, I'm sitting here realizing that you will always be 500 miles in distance, but you really could be 2 feet in front of me. I've pushed you away so well, and for so long that nothing could change this distance. I've stretched you to your limits. Thanks for staying with me as long as you did. It was quite the ride.

I'm [truly] sorry. 

"And I just needed you to pick me up
Like you did when we were younger
When the lightning and the thunder
Had me clinging to your heart
For someone
To lift me up"