Shapes of a new form...

I feel like tonight is shaping up to be one of those sleepless nights. A night where I lose my sleep because of the endless thoughts and disruptions that are occurring. Through just a small talk with a roommate, I've realized that I've changed. And while I know some of it is for the better...I know some of it is for the worse. Things that I said that I would never let go, or that I never wanted to change and never thought I could change...are starting to shape in different forms. My 'Annie' ways are slowly fading into new ways that are unfamiliar, almost like a stranger. That is it...I am becoming a stranger to my own self. I don't know what makes me, me anymore. I don't know how I am the way I am. All I know is that I'm here...changing opinions, changing ways, personality.  Nothing is constant in this life, and the quicker I realize it, and come to grips...the better. I can't grasp on tight to old and never let it go. I have to go with the flow of things, and realize that my life is in my Heavenly Fathers hands.

He will do with it what is right. I should trust him, right? Right.

 If there is one single thing I learned from the billions of testimonies today in church...it was that trials {lessons}are going to be thrown at us. It's how we choose to endure them, how we react that will make us who we are. Life is an obstacle, and it is that way for a purpose. It's supposed to test us, make us use that free agency given to us when we arrived on this earth.

So this is up to me as well. I am supposed to make decisions in this life, and prove that I can make the right choice. I have the ability and power to change what I don't like coming. I can't see my future, but I can see right now, and I can see that where it is headed is not going to be something that I like...because I have changed. Is it for the better? I'm unsure. I bet it is, for God sends things to help build a character. These trials are helping build my character, shaping me into something that he will be proud of. 

It's nights like these that I wish I could call up to a hero of mine...my best friend, and ask her what she is thinking about. Ask her for her best advice. Even though, I'm pretty sure I know what she would say...

"Do your best Annie, try your hardest. Put your everything in it, but only if it's worth it to you. Because that is the only way that things will turn out satisfactory for you."

I know exactly what she would say to me, yet I  still yearn for that phone call, that moment of time. She would be the guiding ear that I need. The only one that I've ever fully trusted. These types of nights leave my brain spinning in circles, as it jumps from thought to thought.  

I can ask myself over and over again the millions of questions that I have. "Why is the weight laying upon my shoulder?" Or "Why is it always me having to do the fixing of a situation? Is it always my problem, or my fault?" That is how it is perceived and viewed by others. I guess what they are saying is true. My personality has changed into a dominant one...and so that means that it is all resting upon my shoulders now. I carry the weight of others???

That isn't how it's supposed to be. When people have problems...they deal with it themselves. They shouldn't drag others into it, and those that are dragged...shouldn't rest more pressure upon the other.  

{I can do hard things.} I can do this. I know I can. I can prove it to myself, and to the others that are watching...the others that are waiting. I have a support system that are watching me on the Annie screen up in heaven. I can see them sitting there, cheering me on. If they can have this much faith in me, then why do I all of the sudden lack it? I've always had the confidence to conquer whatever I put my mind on. I have the courage to let me, be me. 

 All I can do on this sleepless night, is be grateful.

Call up the one that will be there listening to me, taking notes, guiding me...and loving me.

My father.

I can pray to him with everything that I have, because I do have a lot.

I have a great life..that just sometimes consume itself with wandering thoughts. I don't know why these bricks are thrown to us, but I know that they will teach me something eventually. Maybe not now, but later in life...when it truly matters. 

Here is my sleepless night...with emotions that I have tried to push aside for periods of time.