The end of an era

Okay my fellow followers....

I have decided to close down this blog. I will no longer be posting on it. I'll leave it be fore a while until I decide if I want to keep the posts and what not. 

Yours truly, and for the last time....

Annalee 

To the friends who walked into my life at the right time

This semester has been one I can't, nor will I ever compare to any other semester in my college experience. 

Before this semester started, I had just endured a tough semester, full of a lot of changes.

I lived with my best cousin friend, and was not looking forward to have to meet new girls and acquaint myself  to a new living environment. 

So I walked into this semester, a little unwilling and reluctantly, and you guys have now made the goodbye so incredibly hard. 

I didn't know that I was about to find 5 (Don't forget @winn4win) of my best friends. 

I didn't know that I was walking into a part of my life that I will never forget.

I guess it's true that some of the best things in life are unexpected. Thats what you are. 

My unexpected best things.

This semester wasn't easy for any of us, we all went through personal difficulties, some harder than others. But you know the greatest part? Is that no matter the difficulty, big or small, it forced us to come together and offer our shoulders to cry on. 

I'm sitting here, watching all of us packing up the lasts, some already gone and I got something to say to each and every one of you.

Dear Mary, Camille, Bally, Lexican, and Steph:

I have so much to thank you for. Thank you for opening up to me. Thank you for trusting me with your secrets, your thoughts, your fears. Thank you for letting me slowly open up to you, and for letting me cry on your shoulder. Thank you for listening to me rant about stupid things and thank you for laughing with me. Thank you for always being down to eat food and watch movies, but thank you for also motivating me to go to the gym and stay active (That one time Bally...but still, thanks). Thank you for letting me get to know your family. Thank you for the hugs and the taco bell lunches. 

You mean so much to me, and to everyone. You don't realize how truly amazing you are. You have so much potential. Life is going to happen for you. And you’re going to be amazing. Because you matter. You exist. And you can do anything you set your mind to. You are a force to be reckoned with and that is a crazy, beautiful thing. I am so glad that I have the opportunity to be by your side throughout your journey.

I want to thank you for being the brilliant person you are and for making such an impact on my life. You are going to continue to change the lives of everyone you meet. I don’t think anyone can meet you and not be taken back by your enthusiasm and passion for life. Even when you're down, you lift people up. Your laugh is contagious. There’s really no one like you. There’s no replacement for you. You are brave, and you are stronger than you know, even if you forget to believe in yourself sometimes. You have a beautiful heart that is able to give so much love to those around you. I’m so happy to have been able to be on the receiving end of this outpouring of love so many times.You are going to take the world by storm someday. And I’m not sure you even know it.

Thank you for being you, and not only coming into my life exactly when I needed you, but staying.


A blanket thank you to the people that were there in a semester where no one else was.

My spice girls 2.0, my Winter 2016....Cheers to y'all.

Yours Truly, 

Annalee

Pucker Mob.

I love puckermob. End of Story. I read them all the time.

http://www.puckermob.com/moblog/an-open-letter-to-the-girl-whos-stuck

Real blog update coming shortly :)

I'd Rather Be In Philadelphia

You know when you're having a rough day as is, and then you receive some bad news?

Okay, well for the record, if you're wondering...I know what it's like...and it sucks. 

All I would want right now is to be in the comfort of my family.

Cause that is what you need in these moments, family. 

Family is supposed to be together. Reminiscing, laughing, crying-- everything. 

And I'm not there. I am far away. And everyone is scattered.

I'm here having a rough day. One that is getting worse and worse.

And just for memory sake.

Today I randomly found a chain that fit the charms of my old necklace. A necklace that I hold so dearly. And soooo many emotions came swarming in, and I just didn't know what to do. I kind of just sat there, and took it in. Cause I felt the one person I had been missing so dearly. It was if, I was finally alone in a population of 6 apartment. I felt her, and with that I felt the spirit--the comfort. Peaceful moment in a chaotic, mess filled life. 

I'm holding tight as long as I can. 

And so tonight, I'm writing as I watch the Episode of Richard's heart attack on Gilmore Girls.

"I'd Rather be in Philadelphia."-- Ronald Regan 

Me too Ronald, me too. 

Hold tight Gramps. 

It's not over for you yet. 

Yours Truly, 

Annalee

68%

I just need to rant about my Ethics & Media Law class.

I love love love love this class.

It's interesting, its real, and I can actually see myself using it in my life. 

But NOT TODAY.

Today we turned in our tests, and got our tests back.

Let me just say these are the HARDEST tests ever.

10 hours to do 25 questions.

Doesn't that seem ridiculous?

Good, cause it is. 

The first test I FREAKED out about. I cried, I screamed, I studied, I stressed. I did just about everything a girl can do. And I got a 96% on it. 

Thats pretty much a miracle.

Well today....Today......

68%...

With a chance of 84% as the highest. 

Thats it. 

I worked my tail off for 10 hours out of my BUSY week, and got a 68%!!!!

In fact that was one of the highest. 

I mean I didn't feel confident about it, so I wasn't surprised....but I was surprised that NOBODY did good on it.

Why couldn't the answers have been less similar, and less confusing?!?!

I mean seriously...you're in a class with JOURNALISTS and PR majors! Wording should be our thing, yet you have managed to make us HATE it.

Okay, I'm done. 

I love my teacher.

I love my group.

I just hated today.

#roughday

But on a side note..... Fuller House premiered today. And I completely cried, I loved it so much. 

Thats all. 

Show me what you do in this city

Before we even talk about Logan, and my incredible weekend....lets all agree upon the fact that I was in dire need of a weekend get away. It was long over due.
I needed familiar faces, nights out doing something fun...in short, I needed the comfort of home.
And Logan was the closest thing I could've found :)

This weekend I had the best weekend of the semester. 

And quite possibly this weekend was the start of something incredible for me. 

At this moment in time, I'm going to leave you all on a cliff as to what that start was for me.  

Those that count already know.

And in the right time, I will be sure to announce it.

But back to the good weekend update:

I went shopping with my roommates in Salt Lake City.

Yes, this was a highlight.

I was in desperate need of two things: A new closet, and some girl time. 

And what better than with girls whom I love, know cute clothes, and make me laugh at their hilariousness?

Then we arrived in Logan.
Thats right, I was finally with Breann.
And you have no idea how happy that made me.

The rest of the weekend was history making.

Because I am a lucky and incredibly blessed girl, I got to visit my home away from home--Bear Lake.

La Beaus was closed, but doesn't mean a picture wasn't taken.
The lake was frozen but that doesn't mean we didn't walk on it and the sand bars.
Like all Bear Lake trips, it was absolutely exactly what I needed to remember that yes, my life is good.
I have people who care about me, who make me laugh and happy.
And that those who come and go in my life, don't matter.


Hockey games.
Dinner.
Game nights.
Church.
Movies.

How could I not have loved Logan?

This quality sucks. 

So check it out on this link, its better:

https://vimeo.com/156220000

So I actually didn't take too many pictures, because it was more about getting this video for Tori.

But the pictures I did take are here :)

I love you Logan. 

I'll be back shortly, I am sure.

Yours truly, 

Annalee

Poison the weeds.

Okay, I said my book was closed towards you. And it is, and not a minute goes by that I don't feel better about that. I know I got the better end of the deal. But tonight, I was just scrolling through facebook and I read this post, and some of it just stuck out to me. I couldn't help but feel something in my gut as I read this. So thanks puckermob.com. You guys have once again nailed it on your posts. 

"[I spent most of our relationship] under the impression I was more to this man. I felt like we were involved in a relationship. Fun, loving and laid back relationship. 

I was wrong. This type of man should have come with a warning label. *Unable to love as I should.* It would have been nice knowing It was a one-sided relationship from the beginning instead of every day being hopeful.

I was never made a priority. I never sought to be his number one, but I only wanted to mean something to him. 

Passion and a connection mean nothing when you leave a person every time feeling dissatisfied and used. 

You feel an emptiness when they are not there but still a hole when you are in their presence. It's a hole in which they cannot fulfill.

It wasn't loving, but it was close. That's tragedy in life. We settle for what we believe is love. I learned you couldn't love me in a way I deserved. It wasn't that I wasn't beautiful, smart, or I wasn't enough for you. You were missing the human experience, the need to love someone. 

He was incapable of loving. The type of love where they need, want and crave your touch. 

The satisfaction of knowing they are yours and only yours. He never felt the need for it. He liked the idea of me, he liked the person I was but never felt the need for me. 

He was missing the one thing we all reach for, once in a lifetime love.

Maybe that's the real tragedy. He'll never be able to love and I will, I'll have someone who will love me forever and he never will. "-- puckermob.com

How does one break free from that? How does one take away the seed that was once planted? {Gardening tips anyone?} I need a certain poison. It's one that I can't find, but I know it's out there somewhere. You're a weed that I let grow in my garden. {Man, I am loving this gardening metaphor....}. But I'll get there. These moments of weakness will fade in their own due time, and soon enough you'll be an after thought, if not a lost thought. 

Yours Truly,

Annalee

Back in the Saddle Again

An open letter to the girl who has been broken

Class got a little boring today, and what happened next was just a weak moment.

But in the weak moment, a blog I follow brought me out.

I am okay.

I'll be fine.

Things are already better.

I've been seeing the good, that I was so blinded to earlier. 

You made me so blind, yet at the same time you set me free to open my eyes.

So much blame, so much anger-- yet I'm seeing my tender mercies, and that also is thanks to you. 

I'm finally just feeling good. 

And finally its time for my mini vacation in Logan.

With people I love. 

Thanks Heavenly Father, and thanks to the angels that are constantly at my side.

Heavenly help and protection is the best comfort in the world.

It was exactly the comfort and reminder I needed. 

Super Cool Party People

I don't know what y'all think of college, but for me...your entire semester experience depends on your roommates.

I have definitely had some rough semesters, but I also have had some of the best times of my life because of my roommates.

And I just have to shout it out to my roommates this semester.

I love the group text we have going.

I love when I see a text that says, "What doin"

I love when we buy pizza and eat it on the floor.

I love when we go visit random apartments.

I love the late night talks on our beds.

I love the snuggles while watching movies, the bachelor or whatever is on TV. 

Here is to the rest of this semesters adventures.

Bailey, Tori, Me & Millie

(And the one and only complete roommate picture...)

Bailey, Tori, Millie, Annie, Katie and Lexi

Now, what would a post be with out a little nostalgia of Brasil.

I miss this place WAY too much. 

I really need to start a 'Go Fund Me'  to raise money for my broke but to get to Brasil. 

 

 So, sometimes in order to just kill my longing for that beautiful country, 

I go hang with all my Brazilian friends and learn how to dance that beautiful Brazilian dance!

Rebecca! 

Love these girls, and the fun times we have dancing!

What kind of heart doesn't look back?

"Pain is temporary"....do you believe that? 

Wait, actually sit down and give yourself a second on that one. Is it temporary?

Not even two days ago, I would have told you something along the lines of:

"No, its not. Pain is a constant, and any one who disagrees is just faking it."

In fact, to a certain someone--I believe those were my exact words. [Hideous of me to say, I know]

And as soon as they left my mouth, I wanted to push rewind. 

Did those words just actually come out?

Wait, do I actually believe that?

Since when am I little miss 'I give up'??? 

That wasn't me.

That was a weak attempt at playing defensive in a hurt moment. 

But here is the motive of as to why I had said that-- In moments of pain or difficulty, we don't want to believe in the good. 

We don't want someone at our side saying they think things might turn around.

You don't know that, and for sure we don't need more let down in that moment.

In moments of pain, the hardest thing to do is climb out of the hole you personally dug yourself, and accept that it might not all be bad. 

So to keep in fight with you, I said it.

"Pain isn't temporary, and anyone who believes it is, is faking happiness to cover up."

I shut the door. 

I took a breath, and said that was that. 

I was done.

And as life would have it, I just couldn't stay inside.

So I went and walked the entire city of Rexburg.

Every step, I found myself getting angrier and angrier.

And then, shout out to Nielsens Frozen Yogurt (and a friend who taught me how to be), I broke down. 

I felt so stupid as I sat there by myself in a 4 person booth, crying.

Pathetic.

You want to know why? 

Because I did nothing wrong. 

I bent over backwards for you.

I trusted you.

I did things that I knew you loved, even if I hated it.

I gave you the best I had to offer, my heart.

And you want to know what you did? You played.

Naturally, as part of the break up process, everyone gave me the following excuses: 

"Maybe he just liked the attention."

"He's confused."

"He realized you deserved better."

"He doesn't know what he had, and he is missing out."

"He's the bad guy everyone warned you about" <--This one is actually funny. Cause you were. You were the opposite of everything I have ever had. You were my risk, and you just became my biggest mistake. 

No guys, this one doesn't get an excuse! He ran out of excuses. This one straight up was on him being ignorant, and inconsiderate. Selfish. Immature.

I can finally say that. Because finally I can say that I'm over it.

I don't care if I am hurting you. I don't care because you didn't care. I don't care how terrible or how liberating this could make you feel. It could go either way. 

I just don't care.

You don't care.

I'm angry.

I am irritated.

And I'm done.

You're the one who is sick, the one who should be suffering.

You're the one who did wrong here. And I am tired of belittling myself, and my self-esteem for someone that simply just never cared. 

And then proceeded to take the coward way out of things. 

Like you said, "Just let go."

Thats not necessarily the answer I found to pain being temporary.

But it's the best you could give me. 

Yes, I changed my mind.

Pain is temporary. 

I found the real me, and got on track with her and remembered what it is that I had forgotten while dating you. 

I got so caught up in you, and pleasing/helping you that in the end, I ended up losing myself.

So when I say my pain came from lack of people in my life, or the lack of somewhere to turn to and cry.... 

I guess I really meant, I lost myself. You weren't the one thing keeping me together here in Rexburg,

I mean I guess you were...cause in reality... I didn't know who I was. And turns out I had in turn given myself to you.

So that one is on you. 

Carry that in your heart. 

And you want to know the best part? I don't have to forgive you, because I know I will never get the  apology I deserve, for the hell you put me through. 

And that's that. Pain is short, quick and over in seconds. 

Just like your story in my life.

I'm putting the pen down.

Closing the book that abruptly ended, and I know has many lost or empty pages.

But none the less, it's closed.

Time to start a new one. 

And this time, I swear it will be real. 

Yours truly, 

Annalee